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'They had an escalator in Hamilton - one at 2-4-6, I think. We used to go ride it on a Friday night - that was the best thing going'.
- Neil Finn on growing up in Te Awamutu, Radio New Zealand, 19 November 2011
Showing posts with label NZ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NZ. Show all posts
19 November 2011
07 October 2011
The dignity of scientific endeavours
Defences were found against U-boats. The great (New Zealand) physicist Sir Ernest Rutherford was held upside-down from a rowing boat above the Firth of Forth to see if he could hear anything, and eventually a hydrophone was invented, able to hear underwater noise.
15 September 2011
No bananas for Plato
Kaspar say when he were rilly young he crave adventure so he go to Balaclava. He do the spellings so I know I got it right. Balaclava is near Sevastopol.
'There I am making the Grand Crimean Central Railway. I am that which you English people call a navvie'.
'I aint a Inglish people'.
'I beg your pardon. Are you only borrowing that nose and mouth? Are you speaking their language only for a time?'
'I want coin,' I say, hoping to end talk that turn sly.
'What are you desiring coin for, liebling?'
'Binarnas'.
Kaspar reply to me, 'Plato is saying that there is only one thing for which all coin should be exchanged, and that is wisdom'.
Prolly Playtoe never et a binarna.
- 'Halfie', in Hokitika Town by Charlotte Randall, 2011
'There I am making the Grand Crimean Central Railway. I am that which you English people call a navvie'.
'I aint a Inglish people'.
'I beg your pardon. Are you only borrowing that nose and mouth? Are you speaking their language only for a time?'
'I want coin,' I say, hoping to end talk that turn sly.
'What are you desiring coin for, liebling?'
'Binarnas'.
Kaspar reply to me, 'Plato is saying that there is only one thing for which all coin should be exchanged, and that is wisdom'.
Prolly Playtoe never et a binarna.
- 'Halfie', in Hokitika Town by Charlotte Randall, 2011
14 September 2011
Heaven and hell to merge services
It has just been announced by a joint panel of representatives from both above and below that Heaven and Hell are to merge many of their services in an attempt to reach budget targets set by their respective bosses.
According to a press release, admin and some policy roles currently supporting both Saints and Sinners are to be cut back with many positions merged into one service.
The aim is to continue delivering the complete heaven/hell experience to those who arrive but reduce the amount of paperwork required for the process [...]
According to a press release, admin and some policy roles currently supporting both Saints and Sinners are to be cut back with many positions merged into one service.
The aim is to continue delivering the complete heaven/hell experience to those who arrive but reduce the amount of paperwork required for the process [...]
The statement said the proposed amalgamation of the policy divisions of heaven and hell would bring a more robust approach to the development of guiding documents. It cited the Ten Commandments as a classic example of great policy writing.
"There are only 10 bullet points in the entire document. They are succinct, devoid of waffle and easy to understand. The mission statement developed by those managing hell is also sharp and to the point. Terms like fire, brimstone and damnation are very evocative and clearly represent the nature of the experience awaiting those heading that way.
"Merging these two different messages into one brief directive: "Good or Evil - You Choose" then syndicating the concept to a reality TV programme will reduce staffing costs and boost profits."
- Terry Sarten, Wanganui Chronicle, 28 August 2011
"There are only 10 bullet points in the entire document. They are succinct, devoid of waffle and easy to understand. The mission statement developed by those managing hell is also sharp and to the point. Terms like fire, brimstone and damnation are very evocative and clearly represent the nature of the experience awaiting those heading that way.
"Merging these two different messages into one brief directive: "Good or Evil - You Choose" then syndicating the concept to a reality TV programme will reduce staffing costs and boost profits."
- Terry Sarten, Wanganui Chronicle, 28 August 2011
28 February 2011
Whitcoulls' downfall
Auckland writer Graeme Lay argues that the demise of New Zealand book retail chain Whitcoulls is no surprise:
- NZ Herald, 28 February 2011
Stories of Whitcoulls' ineptitude towards local literature became legion among New Zealand writers. For instance, after my first novel, The Mentor, was published, I went eagerly into the Whitcoulls flagship store in Queen St to see where it had been shelved.A comment on Lay's article reads: 'I went in to Whitcoulls and asked for a copy of Jane Eyre to give to a relative. The assistant asked, What did she write?'
It was nowhere to be seen. So without divulging that I was the author, I asked an assistant if she could show me where a new book, The Mentor, was.
She looked thoughtful. "Mentor. That's a kind of insect, isn't it?" And she pointed me in the direction of the Natural History section. "No, no, it isn't an insect," I protested. "Oh no, that's right." She thought again. "Mentor, mentor. Oh yes, that's right. It's not an insect, it's a creature. A half-man, half horse. Try the Classics Section. It's at the back of the shop."
- NZ Herald, 28 February 2011
16 February 2011
Teaching the teachers
From an article discussing principals' concerns about declining standards of literacy amongst New Zealand teachers:
He makes a fair point about the need for a broad range of skills, and particularly the ability to provide an inspiring set of lessons for students. But perhaps it's not too much to ask for teachers to be able to inspire students and know how to spell and apostrophise correctly too?
- Taranaki Daily News, 16 February 2011
Mike McMenamin, principal of New Plymouth Boys' High School, said there would always be teachers lacking literacy skills.
"I always look at how a teacher relates, challenges and gets the best out of the students. When you start to look at it in depth, there's more than just writing and spelling to consider," he said.
"You have to take into consideration the teacher's ability to inspire a class of students."
He makes a fair point about the need for a broad range of skills, and particularly the ability to provide an inspiring set of lessons for students. But perhaps it's not too much to ask for teachers to be able to inspire students and know how to spell and apostrophise correctly too?
- Taranaki Daily News, 16 February 2011
04 January 2011
A metaphor for commuting
A flock of sheep mill around Wellington station in a 2009 TV ad for UK train fare website Thetrainline.com, featuring a voiceover by comedian Rob Brydon.
01 November 2010
Mow in haste, repent at leisure
A neighbourhood dispute in Fairlie, in which police from all over South Canterbury were called out and one man charged, appears to have stemmed from a row over the use of a lawnmower.
Temuka, Timaru, Fairlie and Geraldine police all attended the incident, which is believed to have occurred about 1pm yesterday on Regent St in Fairlie.
Senior Constable Russell Halkett, of Fairlie, said the situation was "ugly" and involved at least five people. One man has been charged with possession of an offensive weapon and will appear in court later this week.
"People should have known better, they were all adults," Mr Halkett said.
Several people were questioned at the scene and there were further charges pending, Mr Halkett said.
A man was treated for injuries to his head and abdomen.
While he could not confirm the cause of the incident, Mr Halkett said the dispute may have been partly triggered by a lawnmower being accidentally taken from one of the properties.
"That's one version of the story," he said. "Tempers got frayed. It all seems to have started from something that seems pretty trivial. You get these egos involved and it blows things out of proportion."
Mr Halkett said he arrived on the scene to find a punch-up taking place on a driveway. He said he tried to defuse the situation, with police from Geraldine, Temuka and Timaru coming shortly afterwards.
- Timaru Herald, 1 November 2010
Temuka, Timaru, Fairlie and Geraldine police all attended the incident, which is believed to have occurred about 1pm yesterday on Regent St in Fairlie.
Senior Constable Russell Halkett, of Fairlie, said the situation was "ugly" and involved at least five people. One man has been charged with possession of an offensive weapon and will appear in court later this week.
"People should have known better, they were all adults," Mr Halkett said.
Several people were questioned at the scene and there were further charges pending, Mr Halkett said.
A man was treated for injuries to his head and abdomen.
While he could not confirm the cause of the incident, Mr Halkett said the dispute may have been partly triggered by a lawnmower being accidentally taken from one of the properties.
"That's one version of the story," he said. "Tempers got frayed. It all seems to have started from something that seems pretty trivial. You get these egos involved and it blows things out of proportion."
Mr Halkett said he arrived on the scene to find a punch-up taking place on a driveway. He said he tried to defuse the situation, with police from Geraldine, Temuka and Timaru coming shortly afterwards.
- Timaru Herald, 1 November 2010
14 September 2010
Thieves obviously unaware of the value of livestock
Instead, they just stole the gate:
A Kingston farmer is concerned someone could have been seriously injured after some "idiots" stole his farm gate along the Devil's Staircase highway to Queenstown at the weekend.- Southland Times, 14 September 2010
Fortunately some overseas tourists saved the day, after Loch Linnhe Station owner Murray Scott's 4.6m by 1.2m steel mesh farm gate was taken from its hinges overnight on Saturday.
The foolish act left more than 30 cattle and 300 sheep free to roam the Kingston to Queenstown highway in what would have been a blind spot over a hill for traffic heading north.
"It was right at the top of a hill the gate was stolen... just as you come over the hill. If someone had flown over the hill they would've had nowhere to go," he said.
09 August 2010
The most enjoyable aspect of lecturing
'The most enjoyable aspect of lecturing, I discovered, were the staff meetings -- which the Head of Department conducted as a sort of homage to avant-garde cinema (a genre to which he was excessively devoted). Plot and chronology had been abandoned years ago in favour of expressionist flow-charts and long, meaning-filled silences. At times, his presentations seemed to be taking place in sepia with French subtitles.
Surrounded by the most socially retarded people in a 100 kilometre radius, I experienced an exhilarating sense of eloquence. As my colleagues gazed at their laps -- carefully avoiding eye contact with anyone else and pretending to be invisible -- I found myself making erudite suggestions for the running of the department.
At one meeting, I casually dropped the word 'pedagogical' into the discussion. There was a murmur of approval around the table. At another meeting, the Head of Department asked me to assist with a party of 15-year-old school pupils who were touring the college. "You're just the sort of extroverted person who would inspire these children," he said, without apparent irony.
Alas that his recommendation provided a brutal lesson about social limitations. Two hundred school pupils were gathered in a lecture theatre to receive a speech by the vice-chancellor, who -- at the last minute -- was called away to deal with a crisis. I suddenly heard the Dean of Engineering announce that he was going to prevail upon me to give the talk instead.
My recollection of the next half-hour is hazy. I recall telling the children that the importance of school was over-rated, and that it was better for them to enjoy themselves than pass exams. I may have mentioned that a 'gap year' might be useful to some of them, so that -- in an unfortunate choice of words -- they could try out "having sex and taking drugs". I've blanked out the rest'
- David Haywood, 'Confessions of a Social Retard', 8 August 2010
Surrounded by the most socially retarded people in a 100 kilometre radius, I experienced an exhilarating sense of eloquence. As my colleagues gazed at their laps -- carefully avoiding eye contact with anyone else and pretending to be invisible -- I found myself making erudite suggestions for the running of the department.
At one meeting, I casually dropped the word 'pedagogical' into the discussion. There was a murmur of approval around the table. At another meeting, the Head of Department asked me to assist with a party of 15-year-old school pupils who were touring the college. "You're just the sort of extroverted person who would inspire these children," he said, without apparent irony.
Alas that his recommendation provided a brutal lesson about social limitations. Two hundred school pupils were gathered in a lecture theatre to receive a speech by the vice-chancellor, who -- at the last minute -- was called away to deal with a crisis. I suddenly heard the Dean of Engineering announce that he was going to prevail upon me to give the talk instead.
My recollection of the next half-hour is hazy. I recall telling the children that the importance of school was over-rated, and that it was better for them to enjoy themselves than pass exams. I may have mentioned that a 'gap year' might be useful to some of them, so that -- in an unfortunate choice of words -- they could try out "having sex and taking drugs". I've blanked out the rest'
- David Haywood, 'Confessions of a Social Retard', 8 August 2010
31 July 2010
Travelling rough on New Zealand railways
Countries where the railway came late seemed to lag well behind in provision for passengers. A journalist travelling on New Zealand's first major railway in 1864 reported how he and fellow passengers were 'politely requested by the guard to leave the carriage and help to push the carriage and engine to the summit of the bank ... and on returning to our seats, the guard promptly collected 2s 6d from us as our fares!'
The accommodation on the trains was a throwback to the Europe of thirty years before: 'The standard carriages of the 1870s were tiny four and six wheel boxes with rigid axles, longitudinal (lengthways) bench seats and gloomy colza-oil lamps. Heating, toilets and passageways between carriages were non-existent'. There were only two classes but despite paying 50 percent extra, first-class passengers were in the same carriages separated only by a partition and benefited only 'from horsehair cushions, coir floor mats, brass spittoons and the "quality" of one's travelling companions'.
An English visitor described it as barely up to second class back home but far slower since the trains averaged 20 mph.
- Christian Wolmar, Blood, Iron & Gold: How the Railways Transformed the World, London, 2009
The accommodation on the trains was a throwback to the Europe of thirty years before: 'The standard carriages of the 1870s were tiny four and six wheel boxes with rigid axles, longitudinal (lengthways) bench seats and gloomy colza-oil lamps. Heating, toilets and passageways between carriages were non-existent'. There were only two classes but despite paying 50 percent extra, first-class passengers were in the same carriages separated only by a partition and benefited only 'from horsehair cushions, coir floor mats, brass spittoons and the "quality" of one's travelling companions'.
An English visitor described it as barely up to second class back home but far slower since the trains averaged 20 mph.
- Christian Wolmar, Blood, Iron & Gold: How the Railways Transformed the World, London, 2009
12 July 2010
But inherent contradictions are on the rise
House values up in static market
Quotable Value statistics released today show Nelson property values are 5.1 per cent up while Tasman is 6.1 per cent above the same time last year, but that increase has dropped from 6.3 and 7.5 per cent respectively during the last month. The average sale price in Nelson was $376,290 in Nelson and $390,563 in Tasman during June.
QV Nelson valuer Geoff Butterworth said people weren't buying or selling unless they needed to.
"Listings are low, as is demand, and prices are relatively static"
- Nelson Mail, 12 July 2010
Quotable Value statistics released today show Nelson property values are 5.1 per cent up while Tasman is 6.1 per cent above the same time last year, but that increase has dropped from 6.3 and 7.5 per cent respectively during the last month. The average sale price in Nelson was $376,290 in Nelson and $390,563 in Tasman during June.
QV Nelson valuer Geoff Butterworth said people weren't buying or selling unless they needed to.
"Listings are low, as is demand, and prices are relatively static"
- Nelson Mail, 12 July 2010
04 June 2010
A pakeha myth, like speed limits and Dunedin
From an imaginary interview with Maori Party MP Hone Harawira:
DP: There’s been some confusion about the Maori Party’s flagship Whanau Ora initiative. Can you give a brief overview of the policy?
HH: At its core it’s very simple. Billions of years from now . . . [At this point a door opens in the building; due to noise from the nearby rehearsal Mr Harawira's voice is not audible - drowned out by 'Oh No You Won't', a charming duet between Helen Clark and Mr Harawira's Mother Titewhai. The gap lasts for nine minutes.]
HH: . . . W and Z bosons and the kaitiaki of the rangitira over all elementary particles we estimate Whanau Ora will allow New Zealand to overtake Australia in GDP by as soon as 2018.
DP: That’s just breathtaking.
HH: But the real key is communication. Without a clear understanding of the policy in the minds of the nuinga we are doomed to fail.
DP: And this policy has buy-in from the National Party cabinet and John Key?
HH: Actually there is no such thing as John Key. He’s a pakeha myth perpetuated by the racist media – like speed limits and Dunedin. But we have support from the Ministers with the relevent portfolios.
DP: I’d like to ask you about the extra funding received by Te Puni Kokiri in the budget. Extra funding for Maori tourism and export operators on top of continuity for existing programs such as Ngā Kaihanga Hou . . .
HH: All excellent programs that deliver great returns for all taxpayers . . .
DP: So what is your response to the recent leaked Cabinet report concluding that the only function Te Puni Kokiri serves is to make up fake Maori sounding words and try and trick gullible white people into using them?
HH: Simply not true and this is another area where National and the Maori Party have agreed to disagree and abide by the Maori principle of tirangawhai.
- As imagined by Danyl of the Dimpost
DP: There’s been some confusion about the Maori Party’s flagship Whanau Ora initiative. Can you give a brief overview of the policy?
HH: At its core it’s very simple. Billions of years from now . . . [At this point a door opens in the building; due to noise from the nearby rehearsal Mr Harawira's voice is not audible - drowned out by 'Oh No You Won't', a charming duet between Helen Clark and Mr Harawira's Mother Titewhai. The gap lasts for nine minutes.]
HH: . . . W and Z bosons and the kaitiaki of the rangitira over all elementary particles we estimate Whanau Ora will allow New Zealand to overtake Australia in GDP by as soon as 2018.
DP: That’s just breathtaking.
HH: But the real key is communication. Without a clear understanding of the policy in the minds of the nuinga we are doomed to fail.
DP: And this policy has buy-in from the National Party cabinet and John Key?
HH: Actually there is no such thing as John Key. He’s a pakeha myth perpetuated by the racist media – like speed limits and Dunedin. But we have support from the Ministers with the relevent portfolios.
DP: I’d like to ask you about the extra funding received by Te Puni Kokiri in the budget. Extra funding for Maori tourism and export operators on top of continuity for existing programs such as Ngā Kaihanga Hou . . .
HH: All excellent programs that deliver great returns for all taxpayers . . .
DP: So what is your response to the recent leaked Cabinet report concluding that the only function Te Puni Kokiri serves is to make up fake Maori sounding words and try and trick gullible white people into using them?
HH: Simply not true and this is another area where National and the Maori Party have agreed to disagree and abide by the Maori principle of tirangawhai.
- As imagined by Danyl of the Dimpost
02 June 2010
How to attract a politician's attention
Threaten to kill the Prime Minister in a fax detailing your name, address and telephone number (er, actually please don't):
- The Press (Christchurch), 2 June 2010
['Who is representing himself' = seldom a good sign]
A North Canterbury farmer accused of threatening to kill Prime Minister John Key was upset earlier threats were not taken seriously, a court has been told.
Mark Stafford Feary, 53, of Oxford, faced two charges in the Christchurch District Court yesterday of threatening to kill Key and 12 of threatening grievous bodily harm against various politicians and government officials. Those targeted included the police commissioner, the attorney-general and the ACT, United Future and Maori Party leaders.
Feary, who is representing himself, pleaded not guilty to all charges.
He has been involved in a long-running battle with officials over a 1780-hectare Mt Oxford farm that has been in his family since the 1920s.
Crown prosecutor Tim Mackenzie said threats had been faxed by Feary in February last year, including one to Key saying "it's killing time".
Mackenzie said Feary had "upped the ante" after threats sent by post to Wellington between September and December 2008 were not taken seriously.
- The Press (Christchurch), 2 June 2010
['Who is representing himself' = seldom a good sign]
08 May 2010
If you have nothing better to do with your life
Why not devote precious moments of your spare time photographing unimportant trademark infringements and dobbing retailers in to corporate headquarters?
- Source: Nelson Mail, 8 May 2010
A member of the public ratted on Nelson's Seabreeze City Takeaways for having a "whopper" burger on its menu, according to Burger King's New Zealand office.
Spokeswoman Rachael Allison said photos of the store's menu board were received by Burger King's international office.
"We haven't been involved in this at all. The matter was brought to their attention by a member of the public who took the photo. We certainly don't trawl New Zealand looking for instances of breach of trademark."
- Source: Nelson Mail, 8 May 2010
10 April 2010
Wellington hair
It's universally acknowledged that women who live in Wellington have terrible hair. Women who move to Wellington from somewhere else have especially bad hair.
They get down there, and the wind maddens them, and they get tired of trying to do their business in a Force 5 gale, and so they cut it all off, and they style it into a short sharp bob, regardless of the fact that throughout history, the short sharp bob has been proven to suit precisely two New Zealand women - Katherine Mansfield, and Rosemary McLeod.
Katherine and Rosemary aside, it's a look that is best left to women who are either teenaged or French, or preferably both. On the women of Wellington, the effect of the short sharp bob is less Josephine Baker, more prisoner cell block H.
- Noelle McCarthy, NZ Herald, 9 April 2010
[No mention of Josephine Baker should pass without mentioning her famous banana skirts. Not very practical for the Wellington breezes though]
They get down there, and the wind maddens them, and they get tired of trying to do their business in a Force 5 gale, and so they cut it all off, and they style it into a short sharp bob, regardless of the fact that throughout history, the short sharp bob has been proven to suit precisely two New Zealand women - Katherine Mansfield, and Rosemary McLeod.
Katherine and Rosemary aside, it's a look that is best left to women who are either teenaged or French, or preferably both. On the women of Wellington, the effect of the short sharp bob is less Josephine Baker, more prisoner cell block H.
- Noelle McCarthy, NZ Herald, 9 April 2010
[No mention of Josephine Baker should pass without mentioning her famous banana skirts. Not very practical for the Wellington breezes though]
09 April 2010
Cutting out the middle man
Man happy to accept jail term
A 35-year-old Hamilton man convicted of receiving stolen goods from two burglaries has welcomed a sentence of jail, saying it would act as a deterrent.
"Sounds good to me", Steven Rakuraku remarked as he was sentenced yesterday in the Hamilton District Court to 18 months' jail after he admitted a charge of receiving stolen property and assaulting a female.
Rakuraku, representing himself in court, asked Judge Merelina Burnett to sentence him without a pre-sentence report, saying he agreed with the Crown's submission for imprisonment.
He said a prison sentence would serve as a deterrent against future offending.
- Waikato Times, 9 April 2010
A 35-year-old Hamilton man convicted of receiving stolen goods from two burglaries has welcomed a sentence of jail, saying it would act as a deterrent.
"Sounds good to me", Steven Rakuraku remarked as he was sentenced yesterday in the Hamilton District Court to 18 months' jail after he admitted a charge of receiving stolen property and assaulting a female.
Rakuraku, representing himself in court, asked Judge Merelina Burnett to sentence him without a pre-sentence report, saying he agreed with the Crown's submission for imprisonment.
He said a prison sentence would serve as a deterrent against future offending.
- Waikato Times, 9 April 2010
13 January 2010
A slogan for Dunedin
Dunedin is staging a competition to find a new town slogan to replace the feeble 'I am Dunedin' incumbent. Here's some of the suggestions so far:
- Source: Red Alert
Dunedin, where that missing sock ends up
Dunedin: if Keith Richards called Invercargill the a---hole of the world, we must be its fun bits
Sydney is hot. Dunedin is cool
We burn the sofa at both ends
Dunedin – Kids are actually safe in our chocolate factory
“Been there Dunners that”
Dunedin – where you used to be
Down there
Dunedin: we’ve got a castle
Dunedin – cr-pping all over your summer since 1848
We keep your beers cold.
Dunedin: gateway to Mosgiel
Dunedin: At least it’s not Palmerston North
Dunedin: horizontal rain is a good thing
Dunedin: Keeping it real (cold)
Dunedin: It’s not Auckland
- Source: Red Alert
17 December 2009
Everything's online these days
From an article on the suspension of Dr Suresh Vatsyayann from the Waikato District Health Board:
- Stuff.co.nz, 17 December 2009
It is understood the Hamilton GP, who runs his own private practice, sent out an email to board members where he questioned the integrity of members and DHB management.
He is an elected member of the Waikato DHB board and a controversial figure who has regularly criticised the DHB and media, including posts in an online bog.
- Stuff.co.nz, 17 December 2009
05 December 2009
Maid of (questionable) honour
Drunk bridesmaid bolts from wedding
A drunk bridesmaid disappeared from her friend's wedding early this morning, running off and getting lost in the Waitakere Ranges.
Police launched a search and rescue operation to find the 26-year-old, who ran away from the post-wedding party in West Auckland, at a property backing onto the bush-clad hills, about 1.20am.
After a search involving search and rescue volunteers and a police helicopter, the woman was found about 5.30am. She was asleep about 10 or 15 metres into the bush, Inspector Shawn Rutene told NZPA.
She was cold after her night spent sleeping rough, but otherwise fine, he said.
- NZPA, 6 December 2009
A drunk bridesmaid disappeared from her friend's wedding early this morning, running off and getting lost in the Waitakere Ranges.
Police launched a search and rescue operation to find the 26-year-old, who ran away from the post-wedding party in West Auckland, at a property backing onto the bush-clad hills, about 1.20am.
After a search involving search and rescue volunteers and a police helicopter, the woman was found about 5.30am. She was asleep about 10 or 15 metres into the bush, Inspector Shawn Rutene told NZPA.
She was cold after her night spent sleeping rough, but otherwise fine, he said.
- NZPA, 6 December 2009
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