Have a wine cooler!

From the people who brought you South Park (and, more directly, from the people who brought you B3ta.com), here's the Universal Studios internal film made by the dudes who throw together South Park. Okay, so the execs canned this film, and once you watch its wholesomely G-rated but overtly mickey-taking stab at studio politics and liquor company shareholders, you'll see why. But all those talking picture stars in it! Spielberg, Stallone, Demi Moore, Michael J Fox...

And of course, they're quite right about the soothing effect of porcelain deer statues. Go out and buy some for your home and office right now.

- Your Studio and You (Google Video)

Nora the piano-playing cat

Not content with merely playing her exquisite Phillip Glass-style minimalist piano pieces that wouldn't sit out of place on the soundtrack to an episode of Twin Peaks, Nora the Piano-Playing Cat also loves to play duets. Here's 168 seconds of kitty mastery for all those aspiring human pianists out there who just gave up lessons too soon.

- Nora the piano-playing cat (YouTube)

Can you spot the future Prime Minister?

Can you spot which of these nattily-dressed young students became the Prime Minister of the UK for nearly ten years, not to mention achieving the even greater feat of appearing as a guest star on the Simpsons? See if you can discern the hand of fate that spurred him to greatness.

- BBC News image

On martial arts movies

'Many film critics, not all of them on medication, think that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is the acme, apex and apotheosis of the Chinese meaningful violence martial arts art movie, mainly because of the purportedly balletic beauty with which its featured personnel run up the sheer walls of the Forbidden City and along the treetops of the enchanted forest while slicing at each other with whirling swords made from fragments of a meteorite forged in the book-lined cave of a Confucian philosopher, with extra boiled rice.

Ancient Chinese swords, despite the legendary sharpness proved by their ability to puree a passing butterfly, rarely make contact with swordsmen, or swordswomen, in such a way that the victim loses a limb or even a little finger. Two opposing swordsmen or swordswomen - let's just call them swordspersons - will emerge untouched from a 15 minute stretch of virtuoso choreography, a pas de deux for interlocking whirlwinds.

If, after all that spinning, diving, somersaulting and grimacing, a sword strikes home, it makes only a small neat puncture which in no way lessens the loser's capacity to speak that special dialogue from the Orient that actually sounds more Chinese after it has been dubbed into English.

"Your skills are great," says Falling Snow.
"Your sword was quick," says Rising Cloud.
"Your quest is finished," says Passing Wind'

- Clive James, BBC column, 23 February 2007

Old jokes home

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
 

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

 

- Popbitch.com
 

Dynamic management dynamism

An insightful discourse on the art of management:

'...like many people who are instinctively bad at something, the Archchancellor prided himself on how good at it he was.  Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association.  His mental approach to it could be visualised as a sort of business flowchart with, at the top, a circle entitled 'Me, who does the telling' and, connected below it by a line, a large circle entitled 'Everyone else'. 

Until now this had worked quite well, because, although Ridcully was an impossible manager, the University was impossible to manage and so everything worked seamlessly.  And it would have continued to do so if he hadn't suddenly started to see the point in preparing career development packages and, worst of all, job descriptions.  As the Lecturer in Recent Runes put it: 'He called me in and asked me what I did, exactly.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  What sort of question is that?  This is a university!'

- From 'The Last Continent' by Terry Pratchett, 1998

[The Archchancellor had been inspired to carry out his fit of hands-on mangement by a tome entitled 'How to Dynamically Manage People for Dynamic Results in a Caring Empowering Way in Quite a Short Time Dynamically']

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air

I know you'll find it hard to believe, but recent reports suggest that young children occasionally injure themselves whilst pretending to be superheroes.  And some of them even delude themselves into thinking they can fly.  No, it's true! 

 

Research suggests children who dress up as superheroes are likely to be more adventurous in their play but tend to overestimate their ability and get hurt.  Several of those injured were hurt while trying to fly.  While risk-taking and adventure were an important part of growing up, parents needed to make sure they kept a close eye on their children, the British research, published in the Archives of Disease in Childhood journal, said.

 

Oh, so parents need to do parenting stuff.  Glad it's been spelt out clearly. 

 

Actually, come to think of it, those sorts of injuries are quite common at grown-up fancy-dress parties too.

 

- 'When wee superheroes go ker-splat!', The Press, 8 March 2007 

 

[Great article title, there]

 

Perhaps an image of him could mysteriously appear on the wrapper

KFC Inc. is introducing a new fish-based sandwich in its fast-food outlets - and, not being ones to miss a trick, they've sought the endorsement of none other than Pope Benedict XVI for the product.   

 

While the sandwich is being marketed generally, John O'Reilly, chief marketing officer for KFC, said the sandwich should prove especially popular on Fridays, when Catholics traditionally don't eat meat in the 40 days leading up to Easter Sunday.

 

Now conventional wisdom suggests that's an endorsement worth having.  But is an octogenerian ex-Hitler Youth member really the sort of poster-boy they're after? 

 

(...Yeah, okay, that was a cheap shot!)

 

- MSNBC, 22 February 2007

 

[Courtesy of Louwrens.  I've had a quick look on Google News today and I don't think KFC has had a response yet.  Perhaps it's not exactly the highest priority in the Vatican at the moment.  Or perhaps everyone in the media lost interest 0.75 seconds after they filed the original report?]

 

Makes perfect sense when you think of it

Did you know that the French colloquial term for a paperclip is 'trombone'?  Think about it.  Isn't that a much better term than 'paperclip'?  (Okay, don't think about it for too long).

 

- Source: A box of trombones, 7 March 2007 

The missing Lynx

A Rotorua teenager recently got a first-hand lesson in elementary chemistry when he decided to polish the interior of his car.  He'd only had the Honda Prelude for three days, and wanted that extra-special shine, naturally.  So he dragged out that teenage stalwart, the good old can of Lynx deodorant, to polish the upholstery.  The can had been in the sunshine all day, and of course then he happened to light a cigarette.  Cue mighty explosion:

 

[The kid] suffered burns and spent three days in Rotorua Hospital and nine more days off school recovering after the blast in his uninsured $3000 vehicle.  The doors blew out and the windows shattered - the windscreen was found metres away down the driveway of his home.

 

Ouch - uninsured too.  Well, I suppose it could've been worse.  It could've been Brut 33.

 

- NZ Herald, 19 February 2007

 

[Courtesy of Jeneva]