To be played with a straight bat and a straight face

"Who made them boring?"

Looking straight at the camera, a deadpan Richie Benaud responds to Geoff Boycott's call for four-day Tests because five days are, apparently, boring

 

- Cricinfo, 'Quote ... unquote' 

Precocious youth

Beer not a study aid

 

'A Somerfield store in Brighton has been ordered to introduce ultra-violet security tags on all beer and wine to help police to trace any alcohol illegally sold to teenagers. The store, which has twice been caught selling to minors, will also be banned from selling alcohol in May, when students are revising for GCSEs'

 

- The Times, 17 December 2007

A little confidence goes a long way in Hollywood

'MILLIONS ARE TO BE GRABBED OUT HERE AND YOUR ONLY COMPETITION IS IDIOTS. DON'T LET THIS GET AROUND'

- Legendary scriptwriter Herman J. Mankiewicz's 1926 telegram to New York friend Ben Hecht

[Mankiewicz (1897-1953) won the award for Best Screenplay for Citizen Kane at the 1942 Oscars. By then Hecht (1894-1964) had already won two scriptwriting Oscars, in 1929 for Underworld and 1936 for The Scoundrel]

Some people are never satisfied

France will today request the return to French soil of the remains of its last emperor and first president, Napoleon III. After lying ignored in a crypt in an English abbey for 120 years, the exiled emperor's ashes are suddenly the subject of a French ministerial delegation intent on repatriating them to the republic he helped bring about.

Christian Estrosi, the French secretary of state for overseas territories, said: "This trip will be for me an occasion to send a clear message to the British, to thank them for all they did for the imperial couple in exile, but also to remind them that we have some rights over them."
 

But Mr Estrosi, who will visit St Michael's Abbey, Hampshire, to request the return of the ashes, may receive a frosty reception from the abbey's Benedictine monks. They say the French disowned their former leader and continue to ignore his legacy.
 

In a statement to the French people, Abbot Cuthbert Brogan, who runs the abbey, said: "Unlike the English, who are very interested in the memory of your last emperor, not a single French person comes and meditates at the crypt where his remains lie.
 

"I hope that your overseas minister is coming to ask for forgiveness. It's the least he can do in terms of politeness because you, the French, attach great importance to politeness."
 

Commenting on Mr Estrosi's intention to spend 10 minutes in silent reverence by the tomb, the abbot went on: "Ten minutes for a silence of 120 years! They are not interested in the remains at all.
 

"What do you think of someone who has shown no interest in someone for much of his life and who suddenly claims, more than a century later, that the body belongs to him?"
 

- Daily Telegraph, 10 December 2007

 

[Hang on Mr Abbot, just a moment ago you said that no-one from France ever came to pay their respects.  And now one does, a secretary of state no less, and now ten minutes isn't enough? You're a hard abbot to please...]

So, just to clarify, are you or aren’t you?

"He is categorically not with me. It's absolutely nothing to do with me. There is no way he is with me, there is no way he left for me, there is just no way. I am not involved in this in any way."

 

- Auckland businesswoman Diane Foreman has a Bill Clinton moment, Sunday Star Times, 2 December 2007 

 

[Courtesy of Felix]

Taranaki writer pens Taranaki-related headline of the year

'New claims rock jandal orthodoxy' is pretty hard to beat, I think you'll find.  And don't forget to watch out for those pesky ceaseless icon thieves, either.   

 

- Taranaki Daily News, 29 November 2007

What's my daemon?

At the moment apparently she's Vyena the gibbon. A gibbon, eh? I hope she's funky, at the very least.

How To Sleep

Robert Benchley's short film from 1935 won an Oscar, don'tcha know. Pay attention in front! No drifting off.



[Source: mentioned in the New York Times]

Exceeding KPIs earns you priority entry to heaven

The Vatican has announced performance bonuses for its employees, bringing 'an element of incentive and remuneration into the Vatican salary system'.  But surely everyone knows that most people just photocopy their workmates' old performance appraisals anyway?

 

BBC News, 22 November 2007

Far-fetched story of the week

Schoolboy's birthday treat?  A class stripper

 

A stunned schoolboy was given a birthday to remember when a stripper performed a no-holds-barred routine for him - while he was still in class.  The youngster's mother asked an agency to send a man dressed in a gorilla suit to mark his 16th birthday.  But the booking got mixed up and a 'sexy policewoman' turned up at the unnamed lad's drama class.  His fellow students could only look as she stripped off and invited him to rub cream on her bottom.  Now education officials have launched an investigation into the incident at Arnold Hill School in Nottingham.  A witness said: 'We were in shock'.

 

- Metro, 8 November 2007

 

[Imagine the kid's conversation with his mum when he got home from school that day...]