Life's such a struggle when you're cutting back

From an article in which journalists describe the ways their families have been trying to cut back on spending, here's Jonathan Prynn:

By making the most of the aisle-end deals we probably did cut 25 per cent off the normal shopping bill. But at what cost to family well-being? I was also quite put out that I could not find my favourite type of butter —from Brittany with embedded sea salt crystals.

- Evening Standard, 30 June 2010

That's not a very constructive contribution

From a discussion of the 16th century negotiations between Spain and Portugal on the line of demarcation between their two overseas empires, known as the Tordesillas Line:

To symbolise the strict impartiality of the deliberations, the summit was held on a bridge spanning the Guadiana River, along the Spanish-Portuguese border, but the location nearly undid the conference. As the distinguished members of the Portuguese delegation happened to be walking across the bridge, they were stopped by a small boy, who asked if they were carving up the world with King Charles. The former governor of India, Diogo Lopes de Sequeira, acknowledged that indeed they were. At that, the boy lifted his shirt, turned to reveal his bare bottom, and with his small finger traced the line between his buttocks.

"Draw your line right through this place!" he declared.

- Laurence Bergreen, Over The Edge of the World: Magellan's Terrifying Circumnavigation of the Globe, New York, 2003

'Never have I been accused of corduroy'

When he was cited by Tatler as a champion of corduroy, he threatened to sue the magazine. "I will tolerate most things said about me," he told me. "I've been accused of misogyny, racism, sodomy, homophobia, plagiarism, drug addiction, whoremongering, being a pimp, pervert and prostitute but never have I been accused of corduroy".

- Sebastian Shakespeare remembers Sebastian Horsley, author of Dandy in the Underworld, Evening Standard, 25 June 2010

Little Master Cricket

A 'rag-doll' style cricket batting game that works surprisingly well. You can either go out blasting or try for the slow and steady approach. My best score so far: 143 282 378 522.

Little Master Cricket

Just brilliant

Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map

WASHINGTON—-An alarming new study released Tuesday by the Department of Education found that nearly 70 percent of Americans are incapable of pointing out a map when presented by researchers with a map. "Not only did a majority of people just stare blankly ahead, but nearly half pointed to nearby desk lamps in their attempts to guess correctly," said Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who called the findings endemic of the nation's failing school system. "In fact, 14 percent of all Americans claimed they had never 'even heard of no map,' and asked if being prompted to locate one was some kind of trick question." According to Duncan, the Department of Education has suspended all further studies and will instead be spending the next six months just screaming into a pillow.

- The Onion, 23 June 2010

Probably not ideal ambassadorial material

From an article on the corruption trial of disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich:

[His former chief of staff John] Harris told jurors that Blagojevich suggested leaking false reports that he was thinking about appointing state officials, including Attorney General Lisa Madigan, to give Obama and his advisers the impression that he would be expending a lot of political capital in appointing their preferred candidate Valerie Jarrett — and so would expect more in return.

Among a list of appointments he thought he might be able to secure in the new administration in exchange for appointing Jarrett to the seat was U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, or ambassador to the U.N., Canada, Germany, England, France or India, according to the tape.

Harris implied that ambassador to India might be too important a position for a former Illinois governor.

"I'm the governor of a $58 billion corporation," Blagojevich said on the tape, referring to Illinois and cursing. "Why can't I be the ... ambassador to India?"

Blagojevich says to Harris in the recorded conversation that he understood he was so politically damaged in Illinois that he didn't want to ask Obama for any help that might suggest he wanted to remain governor.

- Christian Science Monitor, 23 June 2010

Careful Elton, you might make Belarus gay

Belarusian officials have requested tapes of Elton John’s past performances before his upcoming concert in Minsk. Their fear? That Elton John would convert concertgoers into homosexuals:

'The Public Council for Morality is to study recordings of earlier performances by the British singer to make sure “they have no elements inconsistent with the law and morality,” the head of the organization said.

“We have requested the organizers of the concert to give us records of Elton John’s earlier performances,” he said.

Sexual minorities have become active in the country of late and “even attempted to hold a gay parade in Minsk,” Cherginets said. The attempted parade was broken up by police.

Cherginets said the Council had already prevented outbreaks of “immorality” during a May concert by German industrial metal band Rammstein in the Belarusian capital.

“If we had not interfered, there would have been sex on stage and the relief of physical needs right in front of the audience,” the official said.

- Via Neatorama, 22 June 2010

No digs, no dice

From an article discussing the problem faced by Chinese bachelors, who find themselves priced out of the real estate market by high prices, and squeezed by would-be brides, who increasingly demand that potential husbands own their own property before marriage:

Wang Haijun, a real estate agent on Beijing's east side, said he can always tell when a desperate bachelor walks into his office.

"They're always the least rational buyers," Wang said. "They don't care how little money they have. They just want an apartment as soon as possible. They take on a mortgage with the longest terms and highest interest rates. But they have no choice. They have to get married. I feel sorry for them."

Zhang, [a] language tutor and interpreter, wanted to marry his girlfriend, a receptionist at a language school. The two shared a love for American TV — "Sex and the City" for her and "Lost" for him.

The closer they grew, the more she asked about their future and a home.

"I told her I loved her and would marry her if she didn't mind not having a house," Zhang said. "But she said no. I told her I wanted a house too, but I didn't know how. I'm not rich."

Zhang began checking real estate listings in his neighborhood a year and a half ago. He was stunned. An apartment of about 1,000 square feet cost $150,000. Zhang's parents, who run a modest bakery in northeast China, offered to help. But the $30,000 down payment was still well out of reach.

His girlfriend grew increasingly concerned. She wanted to get married while her grandparents were still healthy and could celebrate her wedding. Last December, she called off the relationship.

- Los Angeles Times, 21 June 2010

Milton Jones

Tousle-haired stand-up comedian Milton Jones offers a selection of his one-liners in two excerpts from Mock The Week:

Far superior to a hockey game

It’s also worth noting the amazing interest shown by white women in the World Cup. While they generally find most professional sporting events to be boring, the atmosphere at a World Cup match is much more amenable. Mostly because they don’t have to drink light beer and there is a good chance that they might meet a European man, or, at least someone who might be planning a trip there. This is far superior to a hockey game where, at best, they might meet a Canadian. It goes without saying that for white women, the World Cup can’t come soon enough.

- Stuff White People Like, 1 June 2010