A likely story

He was called to the Bar in 1952, but practised only briefly. In his memoirs he recorded that he secured the acquittal of a lorry-driver accused of indecent exposure by persuading the magistrates that the man had been "shaking the drops from his person" after urinating, and by getting the man's young wife to testify, wearing a tight sweater, that she and her husband enjoyed a healthy love life.

- Wikipedia.org, on Sir Robin Day, who later became a renowned British TV interviewer

Helpful instructions

Care instructions: Hand wash only. Wash before first use. Freezer safe.

- Instructions on packaging for a flexible ice cube tray from Tesco

Henning Wehn

Understated German comedian Henning Wehn, introduced by Stewart Lee, on the concept of comic timing and the German sense of humour.

They fight crime! Well, orcs.

Caddoc, standing around seven foot tall and with axes seemingly emanating from every orifice, is good at knitting. No, wait, not knitting! Melee combat. That's it. His elfin buddy [E'lara], as well as possessing breasts of +3 later life back pain, is more of an archer, loosing arrows from her bow with a speed and accuracy that only comes from wearing entirely no clothes.

- Rich McCormick previews Hunted: The Demon's Forge, PC Gamer, May 2010

Death by Powerpoint?

No one is suggesting that PowerPoint is to blame for mistakes in the current wars, but the program did become notorious during the prelude to the invasion of Iraq. As recounted in the book “Fiasco” by Thomas E. Ricks (Penguin Press, 2006), Lt. Gen. David D. McKiernan, who led the allied ground forces in the 2003 invasion of Iraq, grew frustrated when he could not get Gen. Tommy R. Franks, the commander at the time of American forces in the Persian Gulf region, to issue orders that stated explicitly how he wanted the invasion conducted, and why. Instead, General Franks just passed on to General McKiernan the vague PowerPoint slides that he had already shown to Donald H. Rumsfeld, the defense secretary at the time.

- Elisabeth Bumiller, New York Times, 26 April 2010

A glass half-full

"I got so sick of bowling no-balls I decided to do something permanent about it" - former New Zealand fast bowler and current cricket coach Heath Davies shrugs off the recent amputation of his left foot after an accident at his workplace involving a fork-lift truck.

- Andy Bull, The Spin cricket newsletter, 27 April 2010

"We're all doomed, doomed"

The second so-called debate last week was a cross between the Who Wants To Be A Prime Minister show and Dad’s Army. The three contestants put on their best performances for the viewer’s vote, each displaying their own qualities from the classic 1960s series: David Cameron reminded me of Private Walker, a slick-talking spiv, trying to sell us a load of old junk. Gordon Brown was Frazer, the Scottish undertaker who effortlessly exudes doom and gloom. And Nick Clegg, despite his recent bombardment of adoration, perfectly took on the role of the boyish Private Pike, prattling on about what life would be like in his Liberal La La Land…

- Peter Flynn, Sheffield, letter to the Independent, 26 April 2010

The live abortion of democracy

Marina Hyde, on the sea of insincerity, desperation and hubris in the Sky Leaders Debate spin room:

"Mos Eisley spaceport," sighs Ben Kenobi in Star Wars. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy ... " Evidently Obi Wan never visited Sky's post-debate spin room, which – pound-of-flesh for pound-of-flesh – must have been one of the most distasteful places to be in this galaxy or any other tonight.

The venue was an interactive science museum in Bristol, magically transformed by Rupert Murdoch's news network into a fully operational 10th circle of hell. Behold, the cream of Britain's arseoisie, as journalists, spin doctors and politicians interact in scenes that just scream "Come, friendly bombs …"

To the left, George Osborne robotically repeating "David Cameron showed passion, leadership and commitment." To the right, Michael Gove simulating anguish that Nick Clegg should have referred to the dead Polish president's party as nutters: "The sort of comment that no one who wants to be taken seriously should utter." In the middle, Alastair Campbell failing to pull off sang froid: "It's a poll, it's a poll – you can take them or leave them." And unifying the picture, Sky's endlessly pant-wetting coverage of its own coverage.

It was like watching the live abortion of democracy. Had the network decided the evening should have been immortalised in oil paint (surely only a matter of time), Hieronymus Bosch would have declined the commission on the basis that it was a hellscape too far even for him.

- Marina Hyde, Guardian, 22 April 2010

Philosophical debate

Religion A: My God is the only true god. He is kind and just. He knows everything and he can perform any miracle that he wants. My god is omnipresent -- that means he's everywhere, even in the plumbing!

Religion B: Fancy being so superstitious! Your God is just a figment of your silly imagination. My God is the only true god. He is genuinely kind and just, and can really do all the things that your imaginary god claims to be able to do. Plus he's the God of love and tolerance. Oh, and if you don't believe me I'll kill you!

Religion A: Not if I kill you first!

Followers of the Scottish Premier Football League will be familiar with the general flavour of such philosophical debates, and indeed the above conversation could equally well be rendered as follows:

Rangers' FC supporter: Jimmy McGrory kicked like a jessie!

Celtic FC supporter: I disprove your argument thus...

Rangers' FC supporter: Oof! [as his nose is broken by a head-butt from Celtic FC supporter...]

- David Haywood, Southerly, 22 April 2010

Granny power!

Turn the vamp factor up to ten for Eartha Kitt, here performing the 1929 Fats Waller standard Ain't Misbehavin' on the Later With Jools Holland show in April 2008. Kitt, who was aged 81 at the time, died on Christmas Day of the same year.