The youngest consumer

'Despite the invisibility of our baby (except, of course, for the enormous bump protruding from Jennifer's midriff) it still manages to make its presence felt. In the manner of a dysfunctional ex-couple who communicate through their lawyer, the baby and I exchange information via Jennifer. For example:

Jennifer: The baby wants fish and chips for dinner.

Me: Can the baby wait until I've finished watching Top Gear?

Jennifer: The baby says no.

Over the past few months the baby's demands have become increasingly forceful, and have included requests to:

• Straighten pictures which are annoying the baby because they're crooked.
• Make midnight visits to the 24-hour petrol station to procure salt & vinegar crisps for the baby.
• Cook a "delicious pudding" for the baby.
• Buy the baby a 10 megapixel camera with 6X optical zoom'

- David Haywood, Southerly, 12 June 2007