How not to be a tourist

David Haywood blogs from Paris on the perils of fighting your way through the tourist throng, including this wee gem overheard while ascending the Eiffel Tower:

[O]ngoing entertainment was being provided by two young American women, who I mentally dubbed Muffy and Buffy. Muffy and Buffy were obviously unaware that many continental Europeans can also speak English.

Muffy: [loudly] My thong is like totally up my butt-crack.

Buffy: Hey, do you think Chad really loves me? Or is he just like using me for sex.

The crowd's innocent enjoyment of the conversation evaporated when Muffy and Buffy changed subject.

Muffy: Hey, this is totally like B.O. central here.

Buffy: Yeah, I mean why can't somebody like tell the Europeans that they need to use deodorant.

Muffy: Or just like have a wash sometimes.

Buffy: Yeah, the guy in front of me smells like he's taken like a humongous dump in his pants.

Guy in front of Buffy: [turning round] Actually, I can speak English.

Buffy: [loud embarrassed whisper to Muffy] Hey, I think the guy in front of me can speak English.

Source: Public Address, 3 July 2006