Pre-election guide to the political parties

From Transtasman.co.nz, 14 July:

Greens: Basically Marxists, but Marxists who like bicycles and trains and cute fluffy animals. Believe oil is about to run out. Opposed to all foreigners who are not members of Greenpeace.

NZ First: Really don't like foreigners. Leader Winston Peters has opposed everything since 1984 that you don't like. Anything bad you have heard about him is a scurrilous media invention without a skerrick of evidence.

National: In favour of what will get them elected. Frightened of own past. Frightened of own shadow. Won't make a move unless Act or Winston (or even, occasionally, Labour) have softened up the electorate first.

Labour: In favour of what will get them elected. Conflicted about own past. Conflicted about own shadow, especially as it fears it looks a bit like Tariana. Conflicted about present as would like to be more radical but is scared to.

Maori Party: Believe in the golden age, pre-colonisation, where there was no war, or conflict, or disease, or immunisation, or chance of living beyond 35.

United Future: Very conflicted between Christians and others. Any other party would have had a major, messy bust-up by now.

Jim Anderton's Tupperware Party: Sigh - is there any point to this any more?

ACT: Split between those who want to boss you around like Labour, but in another direction, and those who just want to leave you alone, but turn the country upside down to do so.