Man Realises Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life

CHICAGO — Moments after retiring to a small suburban home, raising three sons, and enjoying a distinguished career as a trial lawyer, local resident Fred Havemeyer was mortified to learn that the zipper of his pants had been down for the past 56 years of his life, sources reported today.

"Oh, for crying out loud," the Chicago native said upon realizing he had just spent six decades walking around with his pants undone. "You have got to be kidding me."

Despite trying to reassure himself that "maybe nobody had noticed" that his fly was open during the latter half of the 20th century, Havemeyer only grew more crestfallen the longer he thought about his gaffe.

"You mean, this entire time? On the wrestling team? Vacationing with Margaret and the kids at Lake George? During my first communion?" said Havemeyer, his flushed face buried deep inside his hands. "Oh Christ, the '60s! I just remembered the 1960s."

Added Havemeyer, "Why didn't anyone I have ever known at any point in my life say something?"

- The Onion, 9 August 2008